Susan Holley

Excerpt from her upcoming book

As a psychologist, through my work with individuals, couples, and families I have noticed a pattern that many women have in their relationships with their men. It’s a striking pattern since we have come “such a long way” now that more of us can get equal pay for the same work, can own property, and we all have the right to vote. However, many women still struggle with making requests of their partners and getting their needs met within an intimate relationship.

There seem to be many reasons women give for hesitating to be clear about their needs (even when there is not significant mental health or addiction problem present in their partner). In the movie: The Break Up, Jennifer Aniston’s character, Brooke, said to her partner, Gary; “But I want you to want to wash the dishes.” Have you ever seen a bumper sticker that said: “I’d rather be doing the dishes?” Personally, I don’t want to do any chores. That’s why we call them chores. (I recommend, when you remind your children of their chores that you use the “chore” word when referencing your household activities, as well. Otherwise your children will think you LIKE to do them).

Another reason I frequently hear is that we “shouldn’t have to ask.” Now, I know many of us feel like mind readers, especially for those we are close to, but our partners may not be as good at mind reading as you are, especially if he’s a man. They aren’t as interested in reading body language, as we are (unless it’s appreciating the body shape!). So, please, do ask. A warning, however, is in order. When you ask, be specific. If you speak too generally, as in asking him to help more around the house, you are asking him to decide when and what to do to help. That’s risky because he may do a chore that is not on top of your priority list.

Of course, we all know about our lists of things to do. They seem unending and it all needs to be completed yesterday! We feel overwhelmed and irritable with all our responsibilities with work and home. But men, being as task oriented as they are, seem just as concerned about getting things accomplished but have a greater need to step back and appreciate each completed task along the way. The expression of appreciation, may seem to take time away from doing the next thing on the list, from our point of view. However, if we want our partner to know how much we appreciate their participation, we do need to tell them.

Many women seem surprised and in disbelief when I remind them that their husband wants to please them (forgetting the benefits to them when we are pleased). “Well, he doesn’t act like it,” they respond back. Many husbands have acknowledged that they have given up. To them it seems no matter how hard they try it doesn’t seem to be enough. They work, help around the house (take out the trash), help with the kids’ homework, yet she’s unhappy and irritable. A common problem is without the reinforcement that the things the men have done are appreciated it’s hard for a man to tackle the other things on “the list.”

These few tips are common knowledge for some couples and wives but are common patterns I see with troubled couples in my office. For those who struggle with these issues I encourage you to practice making your requests clear and specific, express appreciation when he does participate in an activity and know he does want to please you.

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About Susan Holley - www.DrSusanHolley.com
Susan Holley, PhD is a California Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 30 years of therapy experience, treating a wide variety of issues and populations. Dr. Holley worked in alcohol and drug rehabilitation for many years (post-master’s degree) conducting individual, GROUP and FAMILY THERAPY. She was in the ADDICTION treatment field during the years when the stigma of alcohol treatment was so negative patients hesitated to inform their own family where they were. She enjoyed the incredible changes people made as they became clean and sober (from feeling hopeless, to becoming whole again).

Dr Holley, also, has many years experience conducting FAMILY INTERVENTIONS to encourage an addicted loved one to enter a treatment program. She has worked with individuals and their families in inpatient as well as intensive outpatient treatment settings.

While Dr Holley began her doctorate program (California School of Professional Psychology, LA) she worked as an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) Counselor for the aerospace and entertainment industries. She was active in the EAP Association. She enjoyed working with CHILDREN at the Switzer Center of Educational Psychology, in Torrance, conducting individual therapy, family therapy, and psychological testing for many behavioral and emotional difficulties.

During her internship at the Veterans Administration, Westwood she worked with adults with various psychiatric diagnoses using individual, family and psychological testing modalities. As a post-doctoral fellow at the UCLA Family Project, she participated in a research treatment project for individuals with BIPOLAR DISORDER (and their families).

Dr. Holley has conducted numerous COMMUNITY and PROFESSIONAL PRESENTATIONS on various topics within her specialties, such as family interventions, the treatment of patients with DUAL DIAGNOSES, stress management, Family Behavioral Therapy in the treatment of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, and the use of an EMPLOYEE ASSISTANCE PROGRAM for small and large corporations.

Dr. Holley has had the pleasure of combining her avocational activities with her vocational by conducting EQUINE ASSISTED PSYCHOTHERAPY for women and couples. These groups combine an equine activity from the ground (ie., not riding) with the equine specialist’s stallions and Dr. Holley’s mares (female horses). Relationships between men and women are explored in a comparative psychology point of view in a fun outdoor workshop activity. She also uses the horses in her CORPORATE TEAM BUILDING workshops.

Dr. Holley is, also, enjoying writing a book! She is weaving her equine assisted psychotherapy with her psychological practice that can be used in conjunction with therapy or, alone, as a self-help book.

She lives and practices in the northern part of Los Angeles County, in the Mojave Desert area where the skies are blue and there are still places to ride. She has a teen daughter, and a collie, who keep her on her toes!

DrSusauHolley.com